October 15

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is a time to acknowledge and remember these losses, as well as the unique grief bereaved parents experience.

As many as one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, and each year in Canada there are approximately six stillborn infants in 1000 total births. These numbers do not include infant death from preterm labor, ectopic pregnancies, diagnosis of life-limiting conditions, or SIDS.   

                   

People are always quick to assume everyone wants children and feel they should ask, "when are you going to have a baby?". This is such a personal question, and I am sure that if they really thought about it, they would never have asked about their baby plans. For the majority of couples, it is an easy answer. But for others struggling to conceive this question has to be very painful to answer.

 

A couple's fertility journey is very diverse. If I was writing this ten years ago, I would have written, a woman's ability to have a baby. Today's technology is so advanced and has so much more to offer in the area of fertility.

In Canada, the percentage is rising for the group of couples that are choosing, "Child-Free by Choice". They have chosen a life path to live without children of their own. I am sure this is of no surprise that this couple group face judgment about their choice, especially women. I really admire these couples for understanding themselves enough to live the lifestyle they want.

 

Most couples that I know are like me, got pregnant and had a live birth each time. Not to mention not only a live birth but a healthy baby. Pretty simple, get pregnant, have the baby and go home with the baby. There is nothing more you could ask for.   

 

Then there are the couples that never have had a positive pregnancy test. Each month their hopes and dreams never result in their being pregnant. For a variety of reasons, couples that have so much to give to a child, can't become parents. I have 3 very good friends that fall into this category. My google search says that 9% of men are infertile and 11% of women. A further breakdown of the fertility issues is; 1/3 with the male, 1/3 are with both partners and 1/3 are with the female. Science has been a huge help in this area and somehow techniques beyond my comprehension are helping couples conceive. I know very little about how that happens, other than it is expensive, a long process and sadly does not always result in a pregnancy. To dream of becoming parents but it never happens must be devastating. I have no clue what that must feel like for them. I am sure they have gone through a process of grieving to come to the acceptance to decide on their future. Some couples make the choice to adopt, and others continue on only a couple. My heart hurts for this group of couples.   

 

This brings me to the couples that this post is about. They have had to face the fact that their baby, for some reason, never had a chance to live. Some were born sleeping and for others there was no explanation. From the moment the couple found out they were pregnant, they imagined what it would be like to bring their baby home and be parents. It is tough to even imagine the pain leaving the hospital without your baby.  

 

The last group of couples are couples that have no problem getting pregnant, staying pregnant is the problem. They bravely move forward with the hopes of having a baby to take home. Sadly, for them this may result in having more than one angel baby.  

 

Becoming Grandparents is always very exciting. When that anticipated grandchild becomes an angel baby their grief has many layers. It is not only for their grandchild, but also for their adult baby as they helplessly watch the pain and loss their children are going through.   

 

As women we see ourselves in at least one of the groups I have described. For some of you, you fit into more than one group. Thankfully, so much has changed since the days where women were just expected to get over losing a pregnancy or an infant. Gone are the days of not speaking about a "miscarriage" or "a stillborn". There are now support groups and organizations to help couples that are grieving for their baby. The grief that these couples and their families carry is described as unique. There continues to be some stigma associated with this loss. I heard two women speak about how they were brought together by grief when they joined the same support group. They were comforted to be in a group of "like women", where they can speak openly and unfiltered about their loss and grief.   

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is October 15 and is the opportunity to show support to the many families across Canada who have suffered the loss of a pregnancy or the death of an infant. In whatever time zone you live in at 7 PM, tonight light a candle for one hour. It is an international effort to light up the world, in remembrance of these babies.    

 Baby items ready for a Beautiful Angel

                                              

Because of these precious babies, we will forever have footprints on our hearts.