Bereavement Visits

Bereavement visits are something people can do with ease; some do because they know they have/want to and a small percentage simply say, "I can't".  Visits are really different for me since moving to the city.  Spending most of my life in a small community the food and hugs start arriving at the door as soon as the word is out that there has been a loss in the family.  In no time, the freezer is full of prepared meals and there are enough baked goods to feed a small army of people.  Not only is it a moment to be kind and show concern, but it is also a time to nourish a family when they can't even think about eating let alone preparing food.  If it is a tragic death the food, gestures and caring is beyond comprehension.  

I remember "when Dad died" which was an anticipated peaceful death, and my first experience with receiving Bereavement visits. The food started in the hospital as many wonderful drop offs were made in the then Palliative Family room.  It was so comforting and sustaining for us.  When the food started arriving at Moms it was almost overwhelming.  One day as we looked at the bounty, we said "we haven't received a pie".  The next visitor came through the door with a lemon meringue pie.  We knew we didn't need a pie; we were just noticing the absence of a pie.  

I rarely make an entire meal for a grieving family anymore.  I remember "when Dad died" a neighbor dropping off breakfast.  She had fresh scones, jam and fruit.  I love to make breakfast food and I thought that was brilliant.  We have all done the coffee, toilet paper, paper plates thoughtful and necessary items.  I think we all have those recipes I call "Bereavement recipes".  I usually make cinnamon buns, plain buns and a cookie pizza if there are little kids.  I once gave a 12 serving size of beer.  If teenagers are involved, I will send bags of chips and dip.  Just knowing everyone can graze on food as the days go on, is the best feeling.    

A very important part of visiting a family with loss or going to a funeral is the card.  Cards are amazing, it is like they have written exactly what I wanted to say only with the perfect wording. I never send a card without a message and in a sympathy card the whole process for me is intense.  I read not to use the phrase "sorry for your loss".  Apparently, that is meaningless to the people that receive the card. I have "rules" about sending cards. I am sorry for their loss; I just write it in a different way.  I sit at the kitchen table, I get a really good pen, I write my words on a separate piece of paper and I transcribe onto the card hoping it is legible.  I always write something personal in a card, usually a fond memory or a cute story.  I reflect on the sadness the family must be feeling because of course I want to acknowledge their grief. I often sign a sympathy card with "My Sincerest Sympathy". I write my thoughts, so in a few years when they re-read their cards, they smile remembering what I have written.  We received a sympathy card once written by a friend and he simply said, "sometimes life just sucks".  In that particular situation he nailed it.  

Now, I have the food and the card ready to go the visit is next.  I learned that bereavement calls do not have to be scheduled.  The house could be full, or no one could be there you just show up.  I am always respectful of people's time and understand as I am arriving that I may be leaving just as quickly.  

Then comes the actual visit.  This post is promoted by my recent bereavement visit to a family I have become close to.  The food was easy, it was a fruit basket and the words on the card came easily as well.  I had such an honest relationship with this family I just spoke from my heart. It was an unscheduled visit and I found as I drove into the country that I had mixed emotions.  I wasn't anxious or nervous just unsettled.  I think it was because it was an unplanned visit, and I knew they were busy with their garden.  It was wonderful to hug each of them and to just reflect with them.  People have all kinds of comfort level when making a bereavement visit.  Some feel a distraction to talk about "something else" is the best.  Some just want to talk about "what happened".  Others want to know "future plans" and some just want to talk about "their own personal loss".  I am comfortable with all or just a few of these topics as long as the conversation is led by the family.   

Working in death and dying for so many years has provided me with a comfort level in these environments.  I once remember hearing a student say to another student "Faye will say anything".  He actually is right; I feel comfortable asking questions about the death and dying of their loved ones.  For me if something bad happens I need to tell the story repeatedly until it doesn't need to be said. I assume that is the way it is with others.  Telling the story of a death is part of the grieving process and I like to provide a platform to openly share the details.  I find I speak more of "when Dad died" at bereavement visits than any other time.  For me it means I understand what you are saying.  At the time of death, the pain of personal loss resurfaces, and people often mention how they are thinking so much of that person. I have heard people say, "I know how you feel" because to them it means you are not alone in how you feel. It may seem like the same situation of personal loss, and their intentions were good, but no one ever knows how the other person is feeling.  One of my pat lines has always been "I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain".  

Death is so final.  We have all had our own experiences with loss, grief and recovery.  It is showing someone that you care at their time of need that counts.  When I struggle with knowing "what to do" I just think "what would I need" and I do it.  It seems to be the right thing at that time.