Ways to help with grieving

As everyone is aware, I was blessed with a very long career in nursing. My most cherished time was when I was on the Palliative ward. I always felt like a better person when I spent time with people that were dying, they brought out the best in me. Simply put, I learned so much about living from the dying. Every day that I worked with the palliative patients I felt like I was a student in life. It was an honor to be part of such a vulnerable time for these families. By no means am I an expert in the field of grief. Sadly, dealing with grief is a continuous process, one we are never free from, especially as we age. Something that I learned, and I believe is true to overcome grief, is that you have to go through it, you can't go around it.   

Grief comes in an assortment of ways, the most common is from the loss of a loved one. There are other events in our lives that that we grieve such as, loss of a relationship, loss of a home through fire or flood, loss of pets, loss of a spouse to dementia, miscarriage, loss of your hopes and dreams, just to name a few.  

It is difficult to know what to do and say at the time of a death. A tragic, unexpected death or death of a child seems to be the most challenging time to offer support. With an anticipated death, grief starts the day of the diagnosis or change in condition. For some reason it seems easier to express sympathy in those situations or when someone has had a very long life.   

I always gravitate to articles about grieving. I found two interesting ones that were what I call "basic" directions while working through grief. I have used the information to put together the following.   

How to help others when they are grieving

1. Keep in touch. Take a minute to text and let them know you are thinking about them, never expect a reply. Don't ask any questions, answering texts is something that is a huge job for the grieving. If you get a heart emoji, know that they appreciated knowing you were thinking of them. Simple wording is the best. I find saying, "I hope you are doing the best you can" doesn't require an answer. Whereas "how are you" does.  

2. Be a good listener. Everyone wants a safe place to talk. Very often a person that is grieving just wants someone to listen to them. It is difficult for them to take in anything, so just let them talk. 

3. Focus on their experience. However, the death occurred needs to be talked about, when the family are ready. The palliative journey is often long and exhausting. For many it is traumatic. The focus is usually on the person dying. After death the family need time to speak about their experience. Your wisdom and experience can be shared at a later time.   

4. After the funeral. For family, it is a blur as to who attended the funeral, that is why they have a guest book. The day is a day of celebration for the person that has passed. For family members it is a reflection of how their loved one was perceived in the community. Those attending want to share how meaningful the loved one was to them. Funeral days are exhausting, filled with love and hopeful some closure. Remember to check in after, that is a vulnerable time for so many. 

5. Get them support. Maybe they want to talk to someone that doesn't know them, but they need you to make that happen. 

How to take care of yourself when you are grieving

1. Be kind to yourself. With every death, there is guilt. "I should have done" or "I should have said" are questions that are asked of ourselves. It is hard to deal with guilt and at some point, you have to accept that you did the best you could at the time. 

2. Don't bottle emotions. I am sure every grieving person has said, "I just can't stop crying". Let the tears flow, they are full of toxins, and they need to come out. Your body is purging sadness. Just remember to replace the tears with water. 

3. Know there's no right way. How people cope is exactly like life, done in their own way. Many look to others to help them get through the journey, others just do it on their own, it is so individual. 

4. Don't set a timeline. Grieving people just want it to be better. Deadlines are hard to meet at the best of times, especially in a time of sorrow.   

5. Be patient with yourself. On any given day we have expectations for ourselves. That is the same when we are grieving. There is nothing wrong with saying, today is not going to be a good day for me. 

6. Get some sleep. That is easier said than done. I do my best work when I want to be sleeping. Quiet time just sets the mind going, and there seems to be no stopping it. 

7. Remember to eat something. There is nothing like bereavement food. I come from a community that could fill a freezer with food in 24 hours. When we feel helpless, we want to nurture. It is not that the food is not there, it is the desire to eat that is missing. Some even feel nauseated when looking at food. Just pick at the food if you have to, just nourish yourself if you can.

8. Pay attention to hygiene. This goes back to my slogan of "get up, dress up and show up". Some days it is an exhausting experience to even put a housecoat on. Just take a moment to be mindful of how you feel after you shower. Your body is tingling because you have increased the circulation, in other words your body is feeling. The same for brushing your teeth and hair. 

9. Talk to someone. When someone says, "call anytime", they mean it. Don't overthink should you call or not, you should.

10. Hold a personal service. I found this one very interesting. A point I have never explored, but I am sure many people do have their own service. What a great idea.

11. Understand that anger is common. Why wouldn't you be angry. Death was certainly something that was not planned. The hopes and dreams you had as a couple or a parent, are now only yours. 

12. Let others help. People want to be needed at the time of a death. That works lovely because you need people to help you with your grief. There will be people that you are naturally attracted to that help you with your grief. These people say what you want to hear and let you be whoever you want to be. Reach out to them to help. 

13. Don't make big decisions. I heard once not to make any quick decisions. In fact, it is suggested not to move for one year. 

14. Keep memories alive. Whatever brings you comfort do it. 

15. Take breaks. I understand there is an incredible amount of work that needs to be done after a death, especially an adult death. Dealing with all of that is exhausting and may deserve a day off. Grief breaks are okay.

16. Try journaling. Writing is a way of expressing and releasing your thoughts. You can send letters to that person that has left you behind. You can keep track of your progress or simply write what your thoughts are at that moment.  

17. Prepare for big dates. Celebrations are forever changed. I love to hear stories of how grieving people get through special dates. They may have the loved one's favorite foods or do their favorite activities. What a wonderful time to celebrate that special person that is not there. 

18. Know the story. What are you going to share and what aren't you sharing. People like to be in the "know", that doesn't mean you have to answer their questions. This is your story to tell.

19. Call the Doctor. A friend shared with me that after his wife's death he had some cardiac issues. He was only 50 at the time and they felt it was just grief. He ended up with a cardiac bypass surgery for 5 occlusions. What the point is here, don't assume the way you are feeling is because of grief. Your body may need the help of a doctor. Every system has taken a massive hit and make sure you pay attention to it.

20. Speak to a therapist. There are times when you need someone that doesn't know you at all. Someone without the invested emotions that many people have.

How people deal with grief has evolved so much. No one is expected to "just get over it". People speak freely of the loved one they lost and truly seek out ways to heal from grief. Helping others with their grieving process is exhausting, but so worthy as part of your healing process. If you follow your heart, you can never go wrong when you are helping others.