7 communication topics

I am instantly attracted to articles that have the word, "communication" in the title. Even though communication is one of my favorite topics, I have been getting this post ready for weeks. I finally decided it was time to proofread, put in the final touches and push the publish button. The article that prompted this post was written by an oncology nurse. She outlined 7 communication topics that, in her opinion, were what people talked about most. I have summarized her words and I am sure they will be meaningful to you in your own way.   

                         

1. Live in the moment. 

"Once people are diagnosed with cancer, a time of reflection will occur. They often spend time thinking/worrying about what has happened in their life. It is hard to focus on the present, rather than the unknown. Some questions that help bring clarity are: "is it in the past?" or "will worrying about it change anything?". Once they can identify the answer as "no" it helps some to concentrate on the present". 

From what I have witnessed in a cancer journey, it takes every ounce of energy to get through each day. It is unfortunate that at the time of being faced with death, that enjoying the present is realized. It is only human nature to reflect on the errors of the past. I heard a line that has helped me along the way. It is, "I did the best I could at the time". My good friend told me that one thing her and her husband have taken away from their recent experience of going to cancer treatments, is to live in the here and now.  

2. I wish I'd spent less time working.

"When someone has received a cancer diagnosis, they reflect on the time they spent working. They have regrets that they didn't spend more time doing what they loved with the people they love." 

I have found that I am having more and more conversations with other retired people about our work ethics. It seemed nothing stopped us from being at work, we worked hard and never took any sick days, even when we were sick, we showed up. Work for some reason took top priority in our lives.   

When someone is faced with what could be a limited timeline, reflection on when work took them from their family is added to the list of regrets. People have to work to provide for their families and fulfill family dreams of adventure. That is different for every family depending on the professions and dynamics of the family.     

3. I wish I had gone to the Doctor sooner. 

"This is one of the biggest regrets among oncology patients. There is not one person that has not put off going to the doctor, for our own reasons. The bottom line is the sooner you go, the sooner the investigation, early detection may improve the chance of successful treatment, or ease your mind if it isn't cancer."  

Most of us assume we will get better on our own, which often happens.  We are all becoming very good at being a google doctor to review and diagnose our symptoms. There is also the sheer dynamics of getting a doctor's appointment or a specialist follow-up. Many people fear hearing the words that there is something serious wrong, so not going for a doctor's appointment does postpone something you don't want to hear.  

4. I knew something was wrong. 

"That is a time of advocating for yourself if you feel your symptoms aren't being investigated. It is your right for a second opinion. No one knows your body better than you, don't ignore your warnings." 

I have been honored to have many conversations with people that have been diagnosed with cancer. When they would share about their symptoms most said, "I knew it was cancer". 

I have heard amazing stories of quick attention and receiving the care that is needed at the time of diagnosis. I have also heard sad stories of a struggle to get any medical attention. It just seems like a huge waiting game for so many. I honestly don't know how people that don't have an advocate manage the system. 

5. I'm worried about how my treatment will change my appearance. 

"Some people embrace, 'what you see is what you get'. Some chose to use the cosmetic route. The bottom line is, love your new self. Always remember that you're so much more than your appearance and the people that love you just want you to get well."

I feel the biggest change to appearance is when the loss of hair happens during chemotherapy. Saying good-bye to your hair must be part of the acceptance of having cancer. Many use scarves and wigs, while others are fine with being bald. I remember being told, "I have a bigger fight ahead than worrying about having hair". 

6. I don't know who to talk to about how I'm feeling.

"Oncology is a place of hope and having a healthy mental health is paramount. Being able to speak about what concerns you is needed to fight."

I have witnessed families that talk so freely about dying and what lies ahead. I have also watched families struggle to even speak of what is happening. I used to say to the students, from the day the patient received the diagnosis of cancer, they have thought about dying. I once heard, when people are given a diagnosis of cancer they decide if they will either "live with cancer" or "die with cancer". It is really evident in how they talk which choice they have made.  

7. I wish I'd spent more time with my children.

"According to the article, this is a comment made from parents of young children. They fear that their children will forget them. It has always been recommended that parents leave memory items such as letters or videos for their children. Try to live with no regret. By living with no regret, death should also be free of regrets."

There is no manual on being in a relationship or being a parent. We just fumble along in life doing the best we can. It is a big order to live your life without regret. 

Having conversations about dying just doesn't happen in a hospital, it happens in life. Many people are dealing with a diagnosis that means they may or will die. Being able to talk about death is one of the hardest things to do. Finding someone that is comfortable speaking about death and dying, is a relief for those that want or need to talk about what they are feeling.    

Working in a profession like I did for decades gave me an opportunity to develop a professional communication ability. I started by watching and listening to how others would talk about difficult topics. I really appreciated how spiritual care workers would address topics that seemed to bring calmness to the patient. I would spin what I had learned into my own words and eventually I had my own style. As I finished my career, I think my style could be described as open and direct. I was always honest, I felt people deserved that and within my professional boundaries I did just that. 

The bottom line here is, you will never forget a person, you will always remember what they meant to you. I strongly encourage you to never leave something unsaid. Be that person that can be called at any time day or night, just to talk. You could be, or possibly already are, the reason that your loved one is, "Living with Cancer".