You will never regret the things you did

I am pretty sure, that each of you will know someone just like the person that I am about to describe. I just met this woman, and I don't know her very well, but I already know I really like her. Among many of her redeeming characteristics, she has a kind and generous personality. Because she is so kind, I feel she may be one of those people that could be taken advantage of, but she assures me she just likes to help others. One of our conversations centered around doing things for our parents and she said, "you will never regret the things you do". 

The flip side is, "you will regret the things you didn't do". In reflection, I realized that there were times I said I was going to do things with someone and never did it. For a variety of reasons, it just never happened. I broke a promise simply by not committing to a specific day or truly investing in making it a priority in my life. My lesson is to never tell someone, "someday" instead name the date and say, "on this day it will happen".    

I feel privileged during my long palliative career, to watch families come together and share memories, as a death neared for their loved one. In fact, we used to refer to the time of sitting at a bedside as, "memory making time". It was the opportunity some families needed to make amends and express any regrets they may have. It seems apparent that when you have time to say your good-byes the guilt is so much less than when it is an unexpected death.  

I am going to take a moment to reflect on my Dad's death. We knew when he went into the hospital the last time, that he would never go home again. I made frequent visits to see him, and we had some lovely talks. He made it easy, and for those that knew my dad, you understand. I described his death as the "perfect death" in that he "passed away peacefully". We had what I refer to as the "perfect funeral" and I came away with an overwhelming sense of peace. So very few people are able to say that. I am sorry he isn't in my life anymore, but I could never wish him back. Simply put, it was a timely death at its finest, I have no guilt or regrets.

When we want to help others, we must do what we think is right for us. All too often I am guilty of thinking I know what others should do. I am really working on that and frequently I have one of those, "Aunt Joan chats with myself". The chat is a reminder that people do what they think is right, it might not be what I think it should be, but for them it is the right thing. Doing something is the key here. 

I feel part of my problem for not following through is that I have discovered the world of procrastination. I can talk myself in and out of doing things more than I want to. I have promised myself I will listen to my gut feelings and follow through with my thoughts. I will do the right thing in a spontaneous way. These are all good thoughts and direction; the trouble comes when I go to implement them. I start to second guess myself, is that what will be meaningful to that person? Could I better express myself by doing something else? And so it begins, the silliness. I have decided if I give a gift, I always say, "if this is not something you feel is right for you, please regift it". I must remind myself it is the thought that counts, and people will enjoy the fact I thought of them in a personal way more than anything else.

In closing, I feel commitment is something that I need to embrace, I mean, really embrace. If I feel in a caring and sharing mood, I need to care and share. If I feel like I need to text someone and tell them how I feel, grab my phone. If I want to buy something for someone, buy it. Set up a date to do something with a friend, even if it is a month or more away, write it on the calendar. My actions may just be what that person needs, and I am pretty sure it will be what I need.